Best Farts

2005-06-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

Gani writes in his blog diary of a milk. man... about his dreams with farting. Color me jealous, Toronto boy.

"It's a family recipe"

2005-06-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

On MADtv: Stuart and his alcoholic, slatternly mom were farting in front of the semi-gay neighbor in a skit in last night's rerun. They raised his hopes by packing as if to move, only to dash them on the rocks of gaseous reality.

2005-06-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today ain't as bad as yesterday but I have a pipeline-load ready to be lit right now.

2005-06-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

There are days when I don't seem to fart at all. And then there's today when I seemed to fart no less than every half hour. Except, fortunately, when I was sitting and chatting with the bossman. Love that luck.

2005-06-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, did you see Hugh Jackman and Billy Crystal blow big ones together during the opening bit of the 59th annual Tony Awards telecast? CBS' censors must have misunderstood what everyone elese heard so clearly. Very cool.

This is the way we fart

2005-06-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

We pull down our pants, slowly, all the way. Next we put both thumbs inside the elastic band around our briefs and pull them out and down but just enough to expose the gashole. No further. We slide our feet out just a bit for balance, bend forward. BLAM! The explosion is awesome. Fear our technique!

2005-05-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

Fart Central was down this week with some, err, technical issues. The Management begs your pardon and hopes that everything has been cleared, that is, cleared up. Your BestFarts should resume regular gas deliveries.

Best Farts

2005-05-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

Want to know a secret? George Bush farts whenever Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office.

A tribute to Pete Seeger

2005-05-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

Where have all the good farts gone?
Long time passinging
Where have all the good farts gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the good farts gone?
Girls have smelled them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

2005-05-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

Family Guy is back and boy was last night's episode filled with farts and fart jokes. Stewie even burst a blood vessel in his right eye from blowing so hard! This is one show that I'm glad to see raised from the dead. More fart jokes, Seth!

2005-05-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

Which is worse, a bad toothache or a lingering shower fart?

Parenting 101

2005-05-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't know that the Sith Knight has a blog: The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster. Shows off his funny side, as in today's entry about his encounter with Luke on Bespin, Parenting 101. Vader really writes in his own voice, even using words like farting. Once I read that I knew I had to link this much-maligned, misunderstood man/machine. So real, so entertaining.

2005-05-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

At this very moment I am sitting at the computer holding in a major fart. Can I hold it in? I could but that's too much work... ahhh, that feels so much better! I love the feeling of relaxation and emptiness right after a gas blast.

2005-04-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Real Salt Lake can take their Hispano-Mormon pretensions and fart all night into the uncomfortable, weird underwear required of the flock!

2005-04-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

Do you like the new ad fashions over on the right? Aren't they just fartilicious? I think the vertical is simply slimming.

2005-04-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

Lots of problems with the men's room at work this week. First one of the toilets wouldn't flush and the problem wasn't uncovered until after someone (else) made a non-refundable deposit. This was repeated 24 hours later, though the evidence was of the liquid variety instead, and the building manager was not happy to learn the previous day's service call hadn't been worth the fee. Wednesday's problem was different, one of the lightbulbs over the stalls was out; I thought someone else would tell but by midday Thursday no one had. Friday was finally bathroom problem free!

2005-04-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

Poopy passed away, BestFarts bows his head in respect.

2005-04-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

The first few minutes of the episode of ALF's Hit Talk Show (which wasn't a hit, of course) that I happened to see this morning opened with ALF burping. Turned out to be a set up for a faux bottled water ad skit. Very faux.

2005-04-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

In a meeting with a co-worker this morning and at first I wasn't sure of what I heard. Then a few more noises. He was farting! Trying to keep it on the down low, but I heard them. FART!

2005-04-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

The last few days have not been good, fartwise. Nothing much coming out of my bottom or from the TV screen. Saturday night, though, was great, Diarreah City! Maybe the sushi was a little oily or something. Sure did crap and blow it out though.

2005-04-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day for farting. Those Klingons have it all wrong--it's never a good day to die. They can keep StoVoKor and the big barge, give me some asparagus and peanuts any day.

2005-04-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

Randy Marsh, after faking a raw egg breakfast, farting while he gently pushed his eggs around the saute pan. He should be my hero but that would take too much energy. I'll just fart instead.

The (Fart) Matrix

2005-04-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart

Reload this, Keanu!

2005-04-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

I love my Chinchilla with everything I have but I would appreciate her acknowledging that she too sometimes farts. In bed. Like the night before last.

2005-03-30T07:25:00.000-08:00

Driving to the gym this morning, Lamont and Tonelli were on the radio with their usual post-teen crap, when Lamont suddenly accuses Tonelli of blowing a silent but deadly gas blast. Faith, the traffic lady who I don't believe is even in the studio, chimed in on how nasty the smell was. Quality morning FM radio, I tell you.