Best Farts

2005-06-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

Gani writes in his blog diary of a milk. man... about his dreams with farting. Color me jealous, Toronto boy.

"It's a family recipe"

2005-06-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

On MADtv: Stuart and his alcoholic, slatternly mom were farting in front of the semi-gay neighbor in a skit in last night's rerun. They raised his hopes by packing as if to move, only to dash them on the rocks of gaseous reality.

2005-06-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today ain't as bad as yesterday but I have a pipeline-load ready to be lit right now.

2005-06-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

There are days when I don't seem to fart at all. And then there's today when I seemed to fart no less than every half hour. Except, fortunately, when I was sitting and chatting with the bossman. Love that luck.

2005-06-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, did you see Hugh Jackman and Billy Crystal blow big ones together during the opening bit of the 59th annual Tony Awards telecast? CBS' censors must have misunderstood what everyone elese heard so clearly. Very cool.

This is the way we fart

2005-06-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

We pull down our pants, slowly, all the way. Next we put both thumbs inside the elastic band around our briefs and pull them out and down but just enough to expose the gashole. No further. We slide our feet out just a bit for balance, bend forward. BLAM! The explosion is awesome. Fear our technique!

2005-05-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

Fart Central was down this week with some, err, technical issues. The Management begs your pardon and hopes that everything has been cleared, that is, cleared up. Your BestFarts should resume regular gas deliveries.

Best Farts

2005-05-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

Want to know a secret? George Bush farts whenever Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office.

A tribute to Pete Seeger

2005-05-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

Where have all the good farts gone?
Long time passinging
Where have all the good farts gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the good farts gone?
Girls have smelled them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

2005-05-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

Family Guy is back and boy was last night's episode filled with farts and fart jokes. Stewie even burst a blood vessel in his right eye from blowing so hard! This is one show that I'm glad to see raised from the dead. More fart jokes, Seth!

2005-05-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

Which is worse, a bad toothache or a lingering shower fart?

Parenting 101

2005-05-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't know that the Sith Knight has a blog: The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster. Shows off his funny side, as in today's entry about his encounter with Luke on Bespin, Parenting 101. Vader really writes in his own voice, even using words like farting. Once I read that I knew I had to link this much-maligned, misunderstood man/machine. So real, so entertaining.

2005-05-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

At this very moment I am sitting at the computer holding in a major fart. Can I hold it in? I could but that's too much work... ahhh, that feels so much better! I love the feeling of relaxation and emptiness right after a gas blast.

2005-04-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Real Salt Lake can take their Hispano-Mormon pretensions and fart all night into the uncomfortable, weird underwear required of the flock!

2005-04-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

Do you like the new ad fashions over on the right? Aren't they just fartilicious? I think the vertical is simply slimming.

2005-04-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

Lots of problems with the men's room at work this week. First one of the toilets wouldn't flush and the problem wasn't uncovered until after someone (else) made a non-refundable deposit. This was repeated 24 hours later, though the evidence was of the liquid variety instead, and the building manager was not happy to learn the previous day's service call hadn't been worth the fee. Wednesday's problem was different, one of the lightbulbs over the stalls was out; I thought someone else would tell but by midday Thursday no one had. Friday was finally bathroom problem free!

2005-04-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

Poopy passed away, BestFarts bows his head in respect.

2005-04-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

The first few minutes of the episode of ALF's Hit Talk Show (which wasn't a hit, of course) that I happened to see this morning opened with ALF burping. Turned out to be a set up for a faux bottled water ad skit. Very faux.

2005-04-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

In a meeting with a co-worker this morning and at first I wasn't sure of what I heard. Then a few more noises. He was farting! Trying to keep it on the down low, but I heard them. FART!

2005-04-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

The last few days have not been good, fartwise. Nothing much coming out of my bottom or from the TV screen. Saturday night, though, was great, Diarreah City! Maybe the sushi was a little oily or something. Sure did crap and blow it out though.

2005-04-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day for farting. Those Klingons have it all wrong--it's never a good day to die. They can keep StoVoKor and the big barge, give me some asparagus and peanuts any day.

2005-04-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

Randy Marsh, after faking a raw egg breakfast, farting while he gently pushed his eggs around the saute pan. He should be my hero but that would take too much energy. I'll just fart instead.

The (Fart) Matrix

2005-04-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart

Reload this, Keanu!

2005-04-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

I love my Chinchilla with everything I have but I would appreciate her acknowledging that she too sometimes farts. In bed. Like the night before last.

2005-03-30T07:25:00.000-08:00

Driving to the gym this morning, Lamont and Tonelli were on the radio with their usual post-teen crap, when Lamont suddenly accuses Tonelli of blowing a silent but deadly gas blast. Faith, the traffic lady who I don't believe is even in the studio, chimed in on how nasty the smell was. Quality morning FM radio, I tell you.

2005-03-28T20:25:00.000-08:00

Those weird minds at Robot Chicken were at it again. Last night's episode had a slick guy, explaining how the First Amendment frees him, farting the national anthem. Until he hit the fourth note or so and shat his pants instead.

2005-03-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

The minute my sweetie showed me the cover of Walter the Farting Dog by William Kotwinkle, Glenn Murray and Bay Area artist artist Audrey Colman, I knew it would get a mention here. How in the world would this wonderful children's story not immediately spark my interest. Plus, for those of you with long memories, Kotwinkle was the author of the novel of E.T. the Extraterrestrial; I thought his book was a great example of what a good writer could do to go beyond just typing down the scenery and action and pasting in the script's dialog, gentle and loving while completely faithful to Spielberg's masterpiece. A farting dog, gotta love that!

2005-03-24T22:19:00.000-08:00

There is nothing in the world quite like an broccoli fart. I love them more than all the others. But the market I stopped at tonight had nasty, old broccoli that I couldn't buy. Stringbeans are good but they don't have the gas producing molecules. I have a fart coming on, maybe I'll go over by my SO and see what she thinks of a teeny stringbean fart.

2005-03-22T21:18:00.000-08:00

Comedies can use farts but I don't think dramas can. How would a gas blast serve the story in a serious piece? All the crapload of news magazines on the networks these days, they need the lift. Aside from the original 60 Minutes, maybe, none of are more entertaining than an hour of farting behind a blue screen.

2005-03-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

Skeletor farted while carpooling on Robot Chicken. So did the CSI corpse. Twice.

2005-03-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

Do what you have to do, my friends, but don't hold it in so long your kidneys explode. Like Grandpa's did on the episode of The Simpson's I saw a couple of hours ago. That was nasty, even animated. Ka-boom!

2005-03-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

Deadwood throws plenty of cocksuckers and cunts around but they don't spare the farting, vomiting and other bodily spews. Good to see a series on television find places for such quality effects.

2005-03-17T22:20:00.000-08:00

Today's unlikely farting location: at the doctor's office. I was seeing a dermatologist, nothing significant just annoying, and right as the nurse who'd parked me in the exam room was leaving one leaked out of my ass. She's a nurse, so what's a little oink-oink to her, and no surprise she just kept walking. I thought I heard a snicker or two once she was a few steps into the hallway.

2005-03-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

I was at the Googleplex last night for a seminar, got a laugh after mentioning this blog to one of the Blogger guys, and then laughed myself a few minutes later as I unleashed a rolling barrage of farts while walking through a plaza out to my car. A seriously menacing set of seven or eight noisy ones, let me tell you!

Farting and the movies, #1

2005-03-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

A few farticles for your amusement:

New Yorker: Three Stooges, Farrelly Brothers
Frostbite
Dana Carvey's last hit: The Master of Disguise

2005-03-12T11:10:00.000-08:00

Bikinis are much more fun than farts. Although I would have no problem watching women in bikinis farting, on TV or even better in person.

2005-03-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

From Big Red Hot Momma, for women to better understand men: Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, ...... as a form of holy communion.

2005-03-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

Today's Farts: small one while on the aerobics machine in the gym (too bad for the cute girl next to me) and a smeller in the car driving to South San Jose. Bonus: nice loud burp while prepping my coffee at the fashionable little cafe next to me sweetie's office.

2005-03-07T18:02:00.000-08:00

Robot Chicken is not only funny, they don't shy away from the fart jokes!

2005-03-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

Landscapers were doing their usual Monday morning work around the complex when I went out for a walk earlier. I wonder if the breathing masks they quickly put on were because of my barrage of gas blasts. Probably.

2005-03-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

The Pacifier is a funnier movie than critics seem willing to admit. Maybe that's because of the abundance of jokes about poops and farts from the baby boy.

2005-03-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

Last night on Late Night with Carson Daly, one of comedian Marc Cohen's lines was: "The other night I was onstage and my farts got louder laughs than my jokes." Sounds about right to me.

2005-03-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

Right now, right this minute, I am sitting on a master blaster! I had to answer an email--well, I could have put it off five minutes to hit the can but this is more fun--and now IT WANTS TO COME OUT!

2005-03-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

I can't believe only a couple of hours after writing yesterday's post that I'd be subjected to a barrage of blasts you'd have to have heard (smelled) to believe.

2005-03-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

My Significant Other doesn't seem to realize just how often she farts right after falling asleep but I do since I take longer to reach dreamland. ROFL.

2005-02-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

I had a nasty fart this afternoon on line at the coffee shop. Really tough luck for the three women behind me. Two of them were pretty hot, so I made a weak apology. Easier to stare at them that way.

2005-02-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

Mike Meyers said he liked Shrek's farting during the Oscars. We goin' places baby!

2005-02-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

I farted at the breakfast table this morning and my Sigificant Other laughed and then said "I have to watch what I feed you." As if she could fix this so easily!

2005-02-25T15:15:00.000-08:00

The Top 10 Other Famous Dumb Paintings: #5!

2005-02-24T16:14:00.000-08:00

Harmon Leon mixes a bit of fart humor into a serious and seriously sick look at American racial activists: My Dinner at Applebee's With White Supremacists!

2005-02-24T15:18:00.000-08:00

At the gym this morning I was debating how urgently I needed to take a dump. Seemed like I could wait so I finished my workout, then I wondered if this could be put off until we got home or if I should make my Significant Other hang out. Questionable but I didn't want her to sit around so off we went. Hindsight is 20/20 but she probably would have preferred to wait because to relieve some of the pressure I stunk up the car with the remains of last night's fried fish and asparagus. Seriously bad ones, she had to open the windows to get fresh air. Maybe next time I'll ask her first.

2005-02-23T15:33:00.000-08:00

One example of bad farting was a long time ago when I was just out of college. Although I expected an interesting job to just fall out of the tree and into my lap, reality was much more difficult. One morning I was interviewing for an entry level position at a large pharmaceutical company--this was in New Jersey, where most of the old line pharmcos used to be--and we were about 20 minutes into the conversation. Memory being what it is, who know if I'm right, but I thought he was buying my spiel and we were close to a positive result. Until right in the middle of some explanation he was giving me about work life there I blasted out a big one. He looked up from his desk, smiled softly and brought the interview to a quick close. Made sure I noticed him sniffing a bit as he came around his desk to show me the door. Never did hear from him or the recruiter.

2005-02-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

Where is the strangest place you've ever farted? In front of your priest, rabbi or grandparent doesn't count unless you have a good story to go with it. A fancy museum, that's a good place because museums are usually very quiet and have very hard, angular walls that make for loud, reverberating acoustics. My answer: I was home, this was a Friday night a few years ago, and being dateless I was surfing a local voice personals system. An allegedly hot woman connected with me for a live chat and I seemed to be making progress towards a meet up or even hook up, when I let out a blast so juicy and loud she immediately knew what I'd done. And hit the disconnect button before the noise finished.

2005-02-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

Today was a slow fart day. Very lazy. Didn't go to the gym, which is a good place for embarrasing gas leaks since the noise of the machines covers the sound of the release. It was the right decision, though, because we need time to honor our Presidents. I let out a 21 fart salute after dinner.

2005-02-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

We were at a dog show today and I enjoyed myself more than expected. But wow, can some of these purebreds cut the mustard! I mean you do not want to be behind them when the nerves kick in and they let go. On the other hand, there was surprisingly little shit on the floors and paths between buildings. Signs might say to clean up after your dogs but that doesn't guarantee much of anything. Geez, we left three and a half hours ago but the smell of the dog farts is still in my nose!

2005-02-19T23:30:00.000-08:00

Saturday night's alright for a fart, Saturday night's alright alright. Oh yeah! So you think I'm farty? Farty ha-ha or farty looking? Am I here to fart for you?

2005-02-18T20:05:00.000-08:00

Overheard in the men's room today: "Are you talking to me? Because I'm urinating here, like letting Niagra Falls out from behind a huge rock." I was in a stall taking a deliciously smelly dump of course. And bonus: I farted before and after dinner tonight!

2005-02-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry for missing yesterday. I was going to post something after dinner but I had some real gas with farts blowing out left and right. My Significant Other was not pleased and retreated to the bedroom to protect her nose; can't say I blame her. Not sure what I ate to cause it though perhaps the salad with pork and melted cheese lunch at a Mexican restaurant should be implicated. No beans or rice and not served in a taco shell bowl but possibly something in the dressing reacted against the spicy pork. Yummy, I would definitely repeat even if the machine gun-like farting seven hours later is the price.

2005-02-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

Right now I am sitting at the computer holding in a fart. I want to let it out but I won't. My stomach feels the pressure, but I won't. Now I'm going to click Publish, get up and walk to the bathroom. Then I will fart and shit. It will feel good.

2005-02-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe how badly I overestimated the TV censors, at least at NBC. Twice this week farts were the centerpiece of a big joke on the network. First Saturday Night Live and now last night's Las Vegas. Danny and Mary (whose breasts were a running gag on the episode) were escorting a high roller couple to the Santa Anita Racetrack to see the couple's horse run. Before the race Danny was following the husband, they thought he was up to something, and they passed through the paddock as the horses were getting ready. Danny stops behind one of these fine animals just as it lets out a loud, massive blast of gas. Terrific!

2005-02-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

Happy ~~Farting~~Valentine's Day!

2005-02-14T08:40:00.000-08:00

I burped this morning coming out of the shower, loudly. My Significant Other was a few feet away getting dressed for work and complained that I burp and fart. "I only burped just now," I said. "Yeah, but you'll fart sooner or later, you always do," she replied. True.

2005-02-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

Did you see the Chubb Hottie Rap Night skit on Saturday Night Live last night? An awesome fart from the usually useless Horatio Sanz as the humongous rapper with musical guest Kelly Clarkson as his girlfriend/hellacious smell victim. SNL: Not dead yet!

2005-02-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

Facts on Farts by Brenna Lorenz, Megaera Lorenz, and Malachi Pulte of Heptune.com, an excellent Q&A on flatulence.

2005-02-11T15:42:00.000-08:00

Are you saving your Best Farts for Valentine's Day? Something extra special for your Loved One? Remember to wait until after the sex!

2005-02-10T20:52:00.000-08:00

How do you get rid of terrible smells?

2005-02-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help myself. This morning I was in the checkout line at Safeway and cut one loose. A long, low, stuttering fart. There was no one behind me, good thing, though the cashier tried to hide her disgust. As I walked away she made a face to a co-worker a couple of lanes over.

2005-02-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

Today being Lunar New Year's Day (Kung Hay Fat Choi), I'm reminded of a particularly flatulent evening recently when I was out with a few other people, maybe six altogether, and we shared some veggie-heavy dishes at a terrific Chinese restaurant. Lots of greens, especially our old friend asparagus and brocolli. Afterwards we played cards and chatted for a few hours. I'll be damned if every single one of us did not try and choke the others with master gas blasts! My friend must have had to leave the windows open for days to clear the smell.

2005-02-08T10:14:00.000-08:00

SAVAGE LOVE: First Sex Farts. Now that's a good one. Which do you do, hold off cumming until your lover gets there or hurry up so you can run to the toilet before your guts erupt?

2005-02-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

Was it me? Or did you hear Joe Buck call out Cris Collingsworth for cutting one loose just before the end of halftime too? Sure would liven up a fairly dull global live broadcast. Fart Cris fart!

2005-02-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

We were at a very fancy party tonight. Suits or tuxedos for the men, dresses for the women. Good food, good band. I ate some food that isn't part of my normal diet and drank some vodka (Skyy, didn't taste different enough to justify the premium price) and that led to... A huge fart, as we were talking with a group of people my Significant Other works with. And when I say huge I mean HUGE! Out of nowhere, totally unexpected. For a moment everybody stood there stunned, unable to speak and unable to breathe (let's just say the smell was as pungent as the fart was loud). The one of the women started laughing and everybody joined in--thanks for the open bar!

2005-02-03T11:07:00.000-08:00

The Straight Dope: Is there more flatulence in a vegetarian diet?

2005-02-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

The real story behind Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction and Ashlee Simpson's SNL meltdown? Farts the women tried to hold in but finally blew with tremendous pressure.

2005-02-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

In my dream last night I walked up to the podium, invited, as President Bush paused in his State of the Union speech. Standing next to him, live for all the world to watch I pulled down my pants, bent over and blew a monster gasser right in his face. I redressed and walked out of the room. Bush smiled politely throughout; the Democrats erupted in applause and cheers.

2005-02-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I need to talk about bad farts, because they aren't all good and these are heavy on my mind. One of the all time worsts is the shower fart. Cooped up in a little space, the stream of hot water keeps the smell right in there with you for far longer than you normally have to put up with it, Maybe it's the heat from the water, I don't know, but the smell is always nastier too. Or maybe that's just the food I eat.

When I write about farting here, good or bad, remember that it's in relation to my own farting. I'm hard pressed to think of any situation when someone else farts within smelling distance that it's good for me. Though "being within smelling distance" is a key phrase and will play a part in future Best Farts. Stay tuned...

2005-01-31T21:23:00.000-08:00

Television is made by people who are too sensitive. When was the last time you heard a really good fart on a show? I mean, even on a live news or sports show you never hear one and some people across all those hours must cut loose now and then. Do the audio systems have a special anti-fart filter?

2005-01-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

You know what kind of farts I really enjoy? Nice juicy ones that come out slowly so you sound like a lawnmower engine running out of gas. Ha, I made a fart pun!

2005-01-29T17:15:00.000-08:00

The first fart of the day is always the best. No, wait, that one right before you fall asleep, when your loved one is caught up in some final thoughts and not paying attention, when you can make it silently yet redolent of supper's asparagus--that's the best one!