Television is made by people who are too sensitive. When was the last time you heard a really good fart on a show? I mean, even on a live news or sports show you never hear one and some people across all those hours must cut loose now and then. Do the audio systems have a special anti-fart filter?

You know what kind of farts I really enjoy? Nice juicy ones that come out slowly so you sound like a lawnmower engine running out of gas. Ha, I made a fart pun!

The first fart of the day is always the best. No, wait, that one right before you fall asleep, when your loved one is caught up in some final thoughts and not paying attention, when you can make it silently yet redolent of supper's asparagus--that's the best one!