I had a nasty fart this afternoon on line at the coffee shop. Really tough luck for the three women behind me. Two of them were pretty hot, so I made a weak apology. Easier to stare at them that way.

Mike Meyers said he liked Shrek's farting during the Oscars. We goin' places baby!

I farted at the breakfast table this morning and my Sigificant Other laughed and then said "I have to watch what I feed you." As if she could fix this so easily!

The Top 10 Other Famous Dumb Paintings: #5!

Harmon Leon mixes a bit of fart humor into a serious and seriously sick look at American racial activists: My Dinner at Applebee's With White Supremacists!

At the gym this morning I was debating how urgently I needed to take a dump. Seemed like I could wait so I finished my workout, then I wondered if this could be put off until we got home or if I should make my Significant Other hang out. Questionable but I didn't want her to sit around so off we went. Hindsight is 20/20 but she probably would have preferred to wait because to relieve some of the pressure I stunk up the car with the remains of last night's fried fish and asparagus. Seriously bad ones, she had to open the windows to get fresh air. Maybe next time I'll ask her first.

One example of bad farting was a long time ago when I was just out of college. Although I expected an interesting job to just fall out of the tree and into my lap, reality was much more difficult. One morning I was interviewing for an entry level position at a large pharmaceutical company--this was in New Jersey, where most of the old line pharmcos used to be--and we were about 20 minutes into the conversation. Memory being what it is, who know if I'm right, but I thought he was buying my spiel and we were close to a positive result. Until right in the middle of some explanation he was giving me about work life there I blasted out a big one. He looked up from his desk, smiled softly and brought the interview to a quick close. Made sure I noticed him sniffing a bit as he came around his desk to show me the door. Never did hear from him or the recruiter.

Where is the strangest place you've ever farted? In front of your priest, rabbi or grandparent doesn't count unless you have a good story to go with it. A fancy museum, that's a good place because museums are usually very quiet and have very hard, angular walls that make for loud, reverberating acoustics. My answer: I was home, this was a Friday night a few years ago, and being dateless I was surfing a local voice personals system. An allegedly hot woman connected with me for a live chat and I seemed to be making progress towards a meet up or even hook up, when I let out a blast so juicy and loud she immediately knew what I'd done. And hit the disconnect button before the noise finished.

Today was a slow fart day. Very lazy. Didn't go to the gym, which is a good place for embarrasing gas leaks since the noise of the machines covers the sound of the release. It was the right decision, though, because we need time to honor our Presidents. I let out a 21 fart salute after dinner.

We were at a dog show today and I enjoyed myself more than expected. But wow, can some of these purebreds cut the mustard! I mean you do not want to be behind them when the nerves kick in and they let go. On the other hand, there was surprisingly little shit on the floors and paths between buildings. Signs might say to clean up after your dogs but that doesn't guarantee much of anything. Geez, we left three and a half hours ago but the smell of the dog farts is still in my nose!

Saturday night's alright for a fart, Saturday night's alright alright. Oh yeah! So you think I'm farty? Farty ha-ha or farty looking? Am I here to fart for you?

Overheard in the men's room today: "Are you talking to me? Because I'm urinating here, like letting Niagra Falls out from behind a huge rock." I was in a stall taking a deliciously smelly dump of course. And bonus: I farted before and after dinner tonight!

Sorry for missing yesterday. I was going to post something after dinner but I had some real gas with farts blowing out left and right. My Significant Other was not pleased and retreated to the bedroom to protect her nose; can't say I blame her. Not sure what I ate to cause it though perhaps the salad with pork and melted cheese lunch at a Mexican restaurant should be implicated. No beans or rice and not served in a taco shell bowl but possibly something in the dressing reacted against the spicy pork. Yummy, I would definitely repeat even if the machine gun-like farting seven hours later is the price.

Right now I am sitting at the computer holding in a fart. I want to let it out but I won't. My stomach feels the pressure, but I won't. Now I'm going to click Publish, get up and walk to the bathroom. Then I will fart and shit. It will feel good.

Wow! I can't believe how badly I overestimated the TV censors, at least at NBC. Twice this week farts were the centerpiece of a big joke on the network. First Saturday Night Live and now last night's Las Vegas. Danny and Mary (whose breasts were a running gag on the episode) were escorting a high roller couple to the Santa Anita Racetrack to see the couple's horse run. Before the race Danny was following the husband, they thought he was up to something, and they passed through the paddock as the horses were getting ready. Danny stops behind one of these fine animals just as it lets out a loud, massive blast of gas. Terrific!

Happy FartingValentine's Day!

I burped this morning coming out of the shower, loudly. My Significant Other was a few feet away getting dressed for work and complained that I burp and fart. "I only burped just now," I said. "Yeah, but you'll fart sooner or later, you always do," she replied. True.

Did you see the Chubb Hottie Rap Night skit on Saturday Night Live last night? An awesome fart from the usually useless Horatio Sanz as the humongous rapper with musical guest Kelly Clarkson as his girlfriend/hellacious smell victim. SNL: Not dead yet!

Facts on Farts by Brenna Lorenz, Megaera Lorenz, and Malachi Pulte of Heptune.com, an excellent Q&A on flatulence.

Are you saving your Best Farts for Valentine's Day? Something extra special for your Loved One? Remember to wait until after the sex!

How do you get rid of terrible smells?

I couldn't help myself. This morning I was in the checkout line at Safeway and cut one loose. A long, low, stuttering fart. There was no one behind me, good thing, though the cashier tried to hide her disgust. As I walked away she made a face to a co-worker a couple of lanes over.

Today being Lunar New Year's Day (Kung Hay Fat Choi), I'm reminded of a particularly flatulent evening recently when I was out with a few other people, maybe six altogether, and we shared some veggie-heavy dishes at a terrific Chinese restaurant. Lots of greens, especially our old friend asparagus and brocolli. Afterwards we played cards and chatted for a few hours. I'll be damned if every single one of us did not try and choke the others with master gas blasts! My friend must have had to leave the windows open for days to clear the smell.

SAVAGE LOVE: First Sex Farts. Now that's a good one. Which do you do, hold off cumming until your lover gets there or hurry up so you can run to the toilet before your guts erupt?

Was it me? Or did you hear Joe Buck call out Cris Collingsworth for cutting one loose just before the end of halftime too? Sure would liven up a fairly dull global live broadcast. Fart Cris fart!

We were at a very fancy party tonight. Suits or tuxedos for the men, dresses for the women. Good food, good band. I ate some food that isn't part of my normal diet and drank some vodka (Skyy, didn't taste different enough to justify the premium price) and that led to... A huge fart, as we were talking with a group of people my Significant Other works with. And when I say huge I mean HUGE! Out of nowhere, totally unexpected. For a moment everybody stood there stunned, unable to speak and unable to breathe (let's just say the smell was as pungent as the fart was loud). The one of the women started laughing and everybody joined in--thanks for the open bar!

The Straight Dope: Is there more flatulence in a vegetarian diet?

The real story behind Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction and Ashlee Simpson's SNL meltdown? Farts the women tried to hold in but finally blew with tremendous pressure.

In my dream last night I walked up to the podium, invited, as President Bush paused in his State of the Union speech. Standing next to him, live for all the world to watch I pulled down my pants, bent over and blew a monster gasser right in his face. I redressed and walked out of the room. Bush smiled politely throughout; the Democrats erupted in applause and cheers.

Sometimes I need to talk about bad farts, because they aren't all good and these are heavy on my mind. One of the all time worsts is the shower fart. Cooped up in a little space, the stream of hot water keeps the smell right in there with you for far longer than you normally have to put up with it, Maybe it's the heat from the water, I don't know, but the smell is always nastier too. Or maybe that's just the food I eat.

When I write about farting here, good or bad, remember that it's in relation to my own farting. I'm hard pressed to think of any situation when someone else farts within smelling distance that it's good for me. Though "being within smelling distance" is a key phrase and will play a part in future Best Farts. Stay tuned...